A self-love guide for an ever more loving relationship with yourself: For Valentine's and beyond

Having a good, healthy relationship with yourself is easily as important as any other relationship you will ever have. For a wonderful, meaningful self- loving Valentine’s experience explore one or many of the following exercises. And beyond Valentine’s, this is a good guide to nurture that most essential self-love connection you have with you.

 In self-care:

1. Take time for a long, luxurious bath.

2. Pamper yourself with a nap.

3. Plan a healthful, delicious, and special meal (or treat yourself to ordering something you really love.)

4. Do a beautifying practice you’ve been missing for some time.

By writing:

1. Write yourself a Valentine’s (or birthday, or New Year’s or any day,) mission statement that highlights your worthiness, strength, and powerfulness. Give examples.

2. Write yourself a love letter expressing gratitude for who you are.

3. Write yourself a promissory note to actively change negative words, thoughts, and feelings that harm you and that you repeat to yourself daily.

4. Write yourself an apology letter for being so hard on yourself, for something you did, or for having unreasonable expectations of yourself.

5. Write to letter to someone who means a lot to you and express your gratefulness for that relationship.

6. Write a list of loving personal affirmations and apply one as your phone’s wall-paper. Keep the others and rotate them monthly.

In activities: 

1. Listen to some music that fills you with joy.

2. Dance around your space.

3. Do your favourite exercise routine.

4. Plan a safe, socially-distanced walk with someone you love.

5. Watch a show that inspires you.

6. Accomplish something on your to do list that always eludes you (clean a closet, do some paperwork, etc.)

7. Snuggle with your pet and appreciate that unique love.

8. Do something kind for someone else.

9. Reconnect with an old friend or long lost contact by reaching out to them.

10. Give someone a compliment - say nice things to others.

In the realm of the more spiritual:

1. Spend some time being grateful - take some notes

2. Try a meditation - there are many online for free

3. Practice mindfulness through breathing - again many free, guided practices online

4. Go outside and use your senses to appreciate the beauty of nature

5. Develop a meaningful ritual that celebrates you and your worthiness.

Whatever you do, and which ever activity(ies) you choose, know that your relationship with yourself deserves all the loving attention and all the energy you have. For guidance and/or to explore further please don’t hesitate to be in touch with me or a therapist of your choosing. You’re worth it :) xo

Tips for managing this Pandemic: Covid-19 Coping

Notes for my clients and everyone else

Let’s say it first - you’d have to be flippin’ superhuman to not feel a little on edge while the whole world seems to be in an uncertain, scary kind of spiral. There are constant news reports each delivering more information, education, and data, there are new personal issues and habits to learn and consider, there are new social realities to comprehend and to which to adjust, and there are so many unknowns - the unknowns have their own unknowns. It is and can feel truly overwhelming.

So while everything is so much in flux - happening so fast, new measures and restrictions coming at us at warp speed - here are some ideas, tips, and practices that each of us can implement to try to stay reasonably ok during this unprecedentedly tough time.

Firstly let’s consider the root of all nervousness. Nervousness comes from the unknown. The unknown is understood as a threat. The same way children are afraid of the dark, adults are afraid of what they don’t know or can’t predict. I think it’s fair to feel nervous since there is so much we don’t know: We don’t know what will happen to us individually, socially, financially, psychologically, and of course physically, if we become ill.

But there are loads of things we can do to help us manage how much we are on edge or the extent to which we feel at a complete loss.

For those in self isolation, in quarantine, for those who are trying to figure out how to work at home, and for those who are not but are still experiencing the same giant, eerie changes as stores close and streets empty, here are some ideas to consider:

1. Keep ROUTINE- we all need parameters within which to operate!!

2. LIMIT your intake of NEWS- but keep informed: Make a time to watch or listen to reliable news (try to avoid the plethora of social media that is unverified and often spreads panic.)

3. Think about your physical and mental health:

   • EAT well - avoid excessive snacking and emotional eating but balance that with some comfort food if you need.

   • Get good restorative SLEEP - try to keep your sleeping routine whether or not you are going to work outside the home. Consistency in your schedule helps with sleep and sleep helps bolster your immune system.

   • EXERCISE- at home or go outside for some fresh air. Improvise your workout routine or find loads of exercise choices online - yoga, interval training, aerobics, etc.

   • RELAX - this is maybe the most important component of your mental health at this time. Finding a way to take a breather and really losing yourself in the renewing space of something else - making the brain shift from the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) to the parasympathetic nervous system (rest, renew, relax,) is a must.

   Relaxation is different for everyone but is essential for your system: Lose yourself in things you love - watch comedy and laugh, listen to some music, dance, sing, make some music, watch something on tv or online, play a game, do a craft, read something interesting, learn to do something new (cook, paint, build,) turn off your screens and enjoy some real quiet time, get into nature – revel in the beauty.

4. Practice GRATITUDE- while the world is topsy turvy it is especially imperative to find some things in your day for which you are immensely grateful. Gratitude puts us in the present and being nervous keeps us in the future. Gratitude is a great way of calming yourself and reducing feelings of panic & overwhelm. Perhaps keep a gratitude journal in which you note the things for which you feel so blessed or make a practice of noting 3 things in the morning for which you are thankful and repeat again in the evening as you begin your nighttime sleep ritual.

5. Take advantage of OPPORTUNITY- try to focus on what surprising gifts come as a result of time we otherwise typically don’t have. You know alllll those little projects you keep not having time for - maybe think about tackling them slowly and with joy. Or take advantage of time at home with family or friends or even alone that is usually hard to come by. This is about focusing a little on unanticipated “silver linings.”

6. Reach out and be SOCIAL - while we may need to be physically separated we are so fortunate to be able to connect and commiserate with each other via a variety of communication platforms.

7. Pay attention to your THOUGHTS - catch yourself in worry and try to divert your mind into something more pleasant. With the exception of reasonable planning and contingency forecasting - excessive worry doesn’t lead to anything good. It also definitely doesn’t change anything.

8. Consider what is in your CONTROL - one of the best ways to combat feeling overwhelmed and nervous is to remind yourself of what is and isn’t in your control. Feel good about doing your part (social distancing, reasonable shopping practices, supporting your communities,) and let the other stuff go. Easier said than done - but ask yourself... can I control this? If the answer is no.... consider letting the worry float away just like it come. Maybe visualize it floating away…

9. Reach out for SUPPORT - this is a time of uncharted territory for all of us. Sometimes - talking about what is going on for you can bring a sense of groundedness, focus, perspective, and hope that is often hard to find alone. There are all kinds of resources available - personal and professional - make use of them!!!

10. Develop your RESILIENCE- people are not born resilient; they develop resilience. That means we can all work on our resilience. The main components of resilience are noted above - stress management, reaching out to your network, prioritizing certain things over others, recognizing limits and your control or lack thereof, and being able to set limits and say “no.”

11. Own your FEELINGS - no matter what is going on for you feel whatever you’re feeling and own it. It’s from that place of AWARENESS that all change and all coping are possible.

12. Practice POSITIVITY- it is true that so much is up in the air and unclear and unknown but pulling yourself into a positive headspace is how we make it through. Perhaps we plan for the worst - but we must hope for the best... Practicing positivity is about telling yourself positive things, for example, “I am going to be ok,” or “this will pass.” Just as panic is negatively catchy (as we witnessed in the panic buying of toilet paper,) so too is thinking positively. Uplifting thoughts are more likely to yield good energy and better results. 

13. Embody GRACE - It goes without saying that when we are stretched emotionally - read stressed or worried - we are also sometimes less able to manage our own feelings and consequently relationships with others. That means sometimes we are more quick to anger, or less able to handle someone else’s issues or feelings. So during this time of us being a little more stretched -Be GENTLE with yourself and with others- have a little extra grace as you negotiate the expectations you have for yourself and for others. This is a time we especially need each other and each other’s support. But that can be challenging if we are all cooped up together in our living spaces absent of our regular routines and distractions. So, how about when we bicker if we say “sorry” a little more quickly and when we are not ourselves - to express that we are “having a moment,” or “need a moment.” Bottom line - give a little grace to the space and experience we are all in together.

For additional resources I thought it might be helpful to list some of the many apps that help people manage worry and strengthen mental health. I often refer my clients to a number of them but I don’t endorse one more than the other - here are some that I like  but there are so many more:

Becoming more positive:

• Happify

• Sanvello

Meditation – help for anxiety/sleep etc.:

• Calm

• Breethe

• Headspace

Brain games:

• Lumosity

• Fit Brains

 Exercise:

• Sworkit

I’m a big fan of colouring for stress management and there are apps for that as well as apps for jigsaw puzzles!!

There are so many other things I want to offer in the way of comfort and support as we move through this global health crisis. Mostly I just want to acknowledge the feelings and concerns that abound and that to express that it’s ok to have them. And then, beyond that, I offer these thoughts as a way to help each of us manage the best way we can under these strange and new circumstances.

Sending positive, hopeful, healthful and supportive vibrations your way -

Marjorie

All in the same boat…rocking on the same route… Bob Marley

Disappointment, expectations, and self-discovery: Unpacking the questions we ask others

It struck me the other day how people inadvertently get caught in disappointment (in others) with little or no way out except a blow out whether small or large. But then it also dawned on me that with a little bit of self-reflection, courage, and assertiveness that disappointment can develop into a sense of personal power and self-discovery.

What it means and how to work it:
Firstly it means becoming attuned to the questions we sometimes ask when we are feeling disappointed by someone else. Examples: “Why did you come home so late ...?” Or “How come you didn’t do what I asked you ...?” These questions come with tones of voices that are usually sharp and disapproving. Basically we are asking the other to account for themselves and their behaviour and expressing our obvious displeasure through a question. It goes without saying - this is not super direct and more often than not - not productive in the least !!

Think of an example in your own life. Remember a time when, instead of speaking your truth, you asked someone to account for theirs. 

In the moments of those questions perhaps what are we really saying is “I am disappointed,” or “I am hurt,” or “I am feeling let down,” or “I am feeling neglected,” or “you haven’t met my expectations,” but essentially using the question about what they have or haven’t done to express feelings and throw the spotlight on them. We highlight the other as we ourselves hide in the safety of the question we’ve asked. We might call this being passive aggressive. What are we actually trying to accomplish with that question? Are we trying to open a dialogue, to express our feelings of hurt, or are we trying to communicate a need? What underlies the question we are asking - in other words, for what are we looking??

What sometimes comes of those questions with friends, family, partners, and colleagues is - naturally and is to be expected - defensiveness, hurt feelings, arguments, misunderstandings, and the like. The questions we ask sound like an attack. 

How about if we turn that process inside out and instead of asking questions about what did or didn’t happen or how the person didn’t meet our expectations, why don’t we ask for what we need or would like?? For example: “It would be really meaningful to me if you could spend some time with me....” or “Can you please empty the dishwasher .....” or “I have a need for communication - do you think we/you could find a way to fulfill that need?” And so on. 

Doesn’t that approach seem a little more honest, assertive, to the point, and direct? I think sometimes we ask questions to avoid making statements about what is going on for us. It seems easier to be passive than to be gently assertive or to express our own vulnerability. Perhaps most of the time we haven’t even taken the time to explore our own internal process and we don’t actually know what’s going on for us. We just ask the question because we are hurt or angry and feeling out of sorts. It’s a kind of knee-jerk reaction instead of a mindful and reflective process.

A few good guidelines:

#1 Check in with your feelings
When you feel let down, hurt, or aggravated by someone and explore whether you want to ask a question to get someone else to account for your disappointment or whether you want to assert your wants/expectations/needs because you think/feel its will be more productive?

#2 People are not mind readers
Must always remember that people are not mind readers - we need to express our feelings, needs, expectations, and wants or they will not know...even if we think they should.

#3 Express your feelings
When I suggest expressing those things I am specifically referring to expressing those things nicely: The intent for which is nicely and calmly dealing with / resolving the negative emotion that has been experienced. People typically do not respond well to sarcasm and sharp tongues. The process of self-reflection will likely abate the initial drive to lash out but still check in with your choice of words and tone of voice. Nice, calm, and open are communication dispositions that lead to dialogue over defensiveness!! 

#4 Be assertive
Owning your feelings and asking for what you want- is a way to increase one’s personal sense of self, worth, and power. It is less manipulative, less likely to make someone defensive, and more likely to yield results. It also helps you to know you better. 

This doesn’t mean that asking someone to account for what they’ve done, if they’ve done wrong, is a no-no 100% of the time: No, definitely not. This is just about developing an awareness and playing with the idea that sometimes the questions we ask in the moments of disappointment and hurt obscure us from attending to, asking for, and expressing/owning our own feelings, needs, wants, and expectations. This is rather about increasing a kind of self awareness, self expression, self understanding, and ultimately self-love rather than letting someone else off the hook. 

Try it :) you might avoid the same fight, tiff, argument, hurt, or disappointment you’ve been having for years by being more direct about what you want, why, and how it makes you feel. Try to be gentle and honest. Don’t be afraid of showing vulnerability. Being that kind of straight forward is a real strength to work on and for. 

Try to know yourself and speak your truth - question the question - it may make a world of difference.

Finding grace and gratitude: Knowing ourselves and accepting our un-inspirational selves. A twist on the usual.

In the last few days I have noticed something about me and the kind of support I often offer to people. It happened this way- this is the deeply abridged version :-)

One of my soul sisters and I were talking about this Navy Seal guy who was being described to me as “so inspirational.” I was listening but I noticed that I was losing attention, getting slightly perturbed, and maybe even rolling my eyes a little bit. My friend was talking about what he said and how he encourages people to push and push through their limits, and push beyond those limits to achieve whatever goals they may have around exercise and body and eating and so on. I realized then- as I have before - that inspirational stories worry me. I realize this is not a popular thing to say and of course I am moved by triumph and inspiration as much as the next person ( but not to motivate me.) But in the main- inspirational stories that are about others’ great accomplishments make me a certain kind of queasy:) 

I know that many inspired and gifted people deliver inspirational quotes and thoughts daily and that those tidbits of hope and healing are helpful in millions of ways. This is evidenced by how many quotes are circulated on the internet and the myriad social media avenues of which we avail ourselves: Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and the like. That kind of inspiration seems entirely different to me. Probably because I believe that the diet of words, thoughts, feelings, and intentions with which engage the world on a daily basis have an untold impact on how we feel about ourselves and the world beyond ourselves. 

That all said - I am not a huge fan of inspirational stories that are meant to motivate - in fact they rub me the wrong way ;) I worry for the people who consume a diet of others’ inspiring stories and the way those stories can leave people feeling disheartened and defeated. 

I feel like inspirational stories of people’s triumphs often make most of us mere mortals feel abundantly inadequate. If we were feeling rough or badly before - well, listening to how Jane lost both her legs and managed to become a celebrated marathon runner - leaves us feeling like we ought to throw in the towel before we even begin. I say this tongue and cheek - of course - but I believe it. I’ve seen hundreds of clients suffer from the disease known as endless comparing and in the face of heroic measures of inspirational glory they don’t stand a chance. 

Many (can I say most?) people have difficulty managing their own lives, struggle to live lives that are imbued with senses of authenticity, calm, purpose, joy, and balance. So many people endure trauma, need to learn to love themselves, have issues that need thoughtful attention, and have bagage that both needs unpacking as well as discarding that I am honestly left to wonder how inspirational stories help in any of that? On some days so many of us cannot find our ways out of paper bags it seems tortuous to compare us to the rare heroes of triumph over the ridiculously difficult. In large measure it just makes us feel worse. Have you ever heard yourself saying - “omg I can’t even manage to get to the gym 3x a week let alone become the foremost athlete of the planet who has overcome such immense obstacles.”

My experience as a teacher, lecturer, and therapist over many years suggests that accepting who we are for our flawed, perhaps uninspired selves is a far more loving and hopeful endeavour.

Not comparing ourselves to others could be the first act of triumph we accomplish only seconded by finding grace and gratitude in what we have going for us in the small moments of our regular lives. 

You all hear me right? Who the hell cares about summiting Everest with hands tied behind backs - while we are trying to make it happily through one single day?? For some people it’s one single moment that needs their attention. Again, tongue and cheek, but you’re getting the point ;)

The hundreds of clients that I have had who are anxious - who are overtaken and preoccupied by questions of the future with “what if’s,” and “what’s going to happens,” and “what will I dos ...” are far better served by learning to love the moment, accept the moment, be in the moment, than to get lost in comparisons that make them feel worse.

So maybe we can find our inspiration in ourselves and in the beautiful, little, uninspired moments of our regular days and our regular lives - lives replete with all kinds of chaos. Maybe we can work at being happy or work at a contented life by considering it inspirational to put one foot in front of the other - to find peace in the simple pleasures of the everyday - and to hold hope for a happy and healthy today? Just a thought. 

For those of you who love inspirational stories of triumph and for whom they inspire a better sense of self and happiness, I salute you and say - don’t let me get in your way. For the rest of you, I suggest..

turning off the stories that make you feel crappy by comparison and instead fall into your own inspiring stories of life.